The Error of a Christian Husband

I have made my 55 revolutions around the sun mostly with one person. Brenda Koning caught my eye the summer before my senior year of high school. The rest is history. Later in December we will celebrate 33 years of married life.

Part of my pastoral privilege is performing wedding ceremonies. Without doubt, they are one of the most enjoyable parts of my ministry, and I look back with happy thoughts as the couples come to mind. Still, there are two ceremonies that stand out among the rest – Michael’s and Lauren’s and Jennifer’s and James’. To each of the grooms I charged them with this thought –

Michael, my son – my first born – my name sake, go be Lauren’s husband. In God’s grace and with God’s blessing lead her to places she could never go without you, a place where God is glorified and where happiness is yours and all who know the two of you.

James, my son, go be Jennifer’s husband. For the last 24 years, God gave me the privilege to lead her, but my time is done. I have led her as far as I can. Now the privilege to lead her is yours. In God’s grace and with God’s blessing lead God’s daughter and my daughter to places she could never go without you, a place where God is glorified and where happiness is yours and all who interact with your sweet union.

To receive a wife is one of God’s great gifts to a man (Proverbs 18:22), but with God’s great gifts come great responsibilities. To take a woman as a wife is to take the obligation to lead her toward Christ and never to foster in her a retreat in her spiritual maturity or the penchant to sin where she was not previously tempted. A Christian woman married to a Christian man should be more like Christ for having married him, should be putting off the old and putting on the new for having married him, and she should not fight new battles against the flesh for having married him. That last phrase is where I have failed.

Christian author Jerry Bridges wrote in Respectable Sins about those acts of the flesh that, while common, do not merit the seriousness they require to stamp out and not tolerate. Bridges identified anxiety, frustration, discontent, impatience, irritability, anger, judgmentalism, envy, jealousy, and more. They are not the big sins of immorality, drunkenness, or criminal felonies. They are the “we all are that way” sins that are overlooked and become acceptable.

Please don’t read what I have not written. Brenda is not an angry, frustrated, discontent and impatient woman who is regularly irritable and jealous of others who possess what she does not. There is nothing farther from the truth than that characterization. What I do know and what she readily admits is her need for ongoing sanctification. What troubles me is that those areas of need were introduced to her by me. She didn’t enter our marriage with them. I taught her how to sin in those respectable ways. It is the singular largest regret of my married life. I am working diligently to lead her away from the Slough of Despond where I took her by the hand.

I write not so much to confess my faults nor in any way to disparage my bride whose permission I have to write but to warn younger husbands about something they likely are not aware they are doing. A husband must not lead his wife to new sin patterns she had not known before their marriage. I am convinced that many problems in marriages of a decade or more could have been prevented had the new husband known the potential to lead his new wife to areas of sin she had not faced before her wedding day.

It’s not too late to address the problem, and that’s what I am trying to do, and that’s what I’m calling all husbands to do as well. If you are a new husband or hope to be a husband someday soon, heed the advice of one who has learned from corrected error. When you are anxious, do not lead your wife to anxiety; rather, lead yourself and her to God’s answer for anxiety (Matthew 6:30-33; Philippians 4:4-7). When you are angry, do not lead your wife to anger; rather, lead yourself and her to God’s answer for anger (Proverbs 15:1; James 1:19-20). You get the idea.

I cannot say this enough or with more clarity. A Christian woman should be more like Christ because she married you, her Christian husband. If she is not, you bear some responsibility (Ephesians 5:25-27).

Any who know Brenda and me know I am a better Christian because of her. I want to do what I can to help Brenda be a better Christian because she’s married to me.

May God give us grace.

Mike VerWay
Pastor for Preaching & Vision

I Don't Have To Be Right

OK, this whole 55 thing has some perks. Kroger and something called Pick ‘n Save have a monthly “seniors day” for customers who are 55 or older. Show a store loyalty card and get a 10% discount. Nice. Never mind that the closet Kroger is 698 miles away from my home in Minnesota. It’s good to know they are thinking of dudes like me.

Apparently, IHOP, Denny’s, and more have a 55+ menu, but I’m not falling for that one. A 55+ plus menu simply means a smaller portion size while saving a few nickels. I may be old, but I’m not dumb. Supposedly, I can get something called a “senior coffee.” This is where I feel slighted. How about dropping my large McDonald’s coke to 50 cents?

For whatever reasons 55, like many ages divisible by 5, has a romantic ring to it. You’re supposed to be something, do something, know something, and stop doing some things when you hit these numbers. I don’t know how much of that is true, but I have learned some things over the years, and I have some regrets, and there are things I’d do differently if I could roll back the calendar. Over the next few weeks, I’d like to share a few with you beginning with this lesson I’ve learned…

I don’t have to be right.

Admittedly, that’s really hard for me. I value words and accuracy. When I hear or read something that’s not correct, I want to correct it. I’m not talking about correcting errors related to the gospel or to the clear teaching of the Word of God. I’m talking about matters that could be answers to Jeopardy questions or facts ignored in the retelling of an event. I don’t have to be right about those things.

The change started about 18 months ago, but I wish I would have considered it much sooner. I had the opportunity but ignored it. I remember my mom calling me a “walking encyclopedia.” It wasn’t a term of endearment. As a kid and into my adult life, I corrected or informed others about things that just didn’t matter. I am confident it was more off-putting than I can appreciate. I suspect the practice was more self-serving than helpful.

I’d like to think grace is coming. Most of the time I can let poor pronoun use slide. I don’t have to defend my position on a topic with vigor because so what? I can listen to others reflect without correcting. I can scroll by a Facebook post I’d really enjoy engaging for the purpose of rectifying horrible reasoning or blatant misinformation. I don’t have to be right about those things, and honestly, I may not be right about those things.

It’s liberating not to have to be right, a feeling I haven’t previously known but one I wish I’d come to know before the age of 55. Proverbs 15:2 offers instruction, “The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness.” There is a way to use knowledge in a good and helpful way. Conversely, there is a way to use knowledge that provides little help, actually contributing nothing of value to the hearer. I don’t want to be that kind of possessor and dispenser of knowledge. I don’t have to be right.

An older relative of mine would opine, “You live and learn.” As we age, we hope we learn about ourselves and apply the corrective of God’s Word to those areas time has revealed need to change.

I’ve got to a run. There’s a 55-plus condo open house I need to hit.

Mike VerWay
Pastor for Preaching & Vision

Lakes, Loons, Forests, and Fish

Floridians don’t use the phrase, neither do Coloradans nor Texans, but we do. “Up North” describes our summers here in the upper Midwest. Minnesotans, Wisconsinites, and Michiganders can hardly wait to make the trek away from the harried life of the cities to the beautiful forests, pristine lakes, gorgeous sunsets, rapid waters, and memorable places we call, “Up North.”

Brenda and I began our “Up North” trip this week. There are few places I’ve been in the world that do for me what the Chippewa Flowage in Hayward, Wisconsin, and the region of Northwest Wisconsin. For me, there is nothing like the first time I put the throttle down and cruise across the lake. I love the wind in my face, the spray from the waves, and the sights and sounds of the wildlife on the shoreline and in the air. The smiles on Brenda’s face or those of our children and their spouses as we bounce across the waves make my heart glad. If I get to catch a fish, why that’s just a bonus – like the nearly 40” musky that took a picture with me this morning.

Most of the time trips Up North mean time with my family. Defining “family” has changed with the passing of my parents and my grandparents before them and the change continues with the maturing of our children and the paths of they now follow – plus there’s the reality of being a granpa. The result – Up North times are really important to Brenda and me, as I suspect they are to you, so important that we will even miss time away from the gathering of the church. How should we think about vacay? When considered from a Christian worldview, there shouldn’t be any guilt for Up North times.

God Designed Us to Experience Rest

From the beginning God created the structure of time that calls for a period of rest. We are not machines designed to run 24/7/365 and repaired or replaced should a breakdown occur. We were created in the image of God, who, though he did not need rest, stopped his work on the seventh day, instituting what we know as the Sabbath rest. That once a week rest illustrates what our eternal rest will be when we are with the Lord. God designed us for rest and gave us a day to rest, a principle the Lord Jesus understood and practiced.

Jesus Led the Disciples to Rest

Our Lord worked harder than anyone who ever lived. Read the gospel accounts and track a timeline of his workweek, and you will agree. You will remember he did his work with a group of men in tow. While his disciples could not preach like Jesus or perform the miracles the Son of God performed, they did work alongside him. In Mark 6 Jesus told them, “Come aside by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while.” Space doesn’t allow for a full explanation of the text, but suffice it say, the disciples had been working hard at the instruction of Jesus, and it was time to recuperate. What God designed and what Jesus led is what we need too, a little “Up North” time, but let’s make sure we do so as disciples of Jesus.

We Rest from Our Labor but Not from Our Lord

How would a Christian approach his Up North time differently than an unbeliever?

Here are a few ideas.

• The potential and necessity of spiritual growth can never take a vacation. Remember, the devil is a roaring lion walking about seeking to devour you! He takes off no time in his violent pursuit, and we cannot take off any time in resisting him. Therefore, remain consistent in your spiritual disciplines of Bible reading, memorization, and prayer. Further, Up North trips offer opportunities for expanded Bible reading, prayer walks through the woods or prayer time on the dock, or devotional reading of recommended books like Through Gates of Splendor or The Circle Trilogy. This summer could be the time when you really get to know God. Up North can provide tremendous opportunity for your spiritual growth or a dangerous time for your spiritual demise – your choice.
   

• When Up North, meet with another group of Christians. For us, there is a small church in Hayward where we gather with the brothers and sisters to worship together. On Sunday morning, we do what we always do; we head to a church building because Sunday is time to meet God and that’s where God’s people are preparing to meet him. Up North is great, but meeting with the creator of Up North is so much better.
  
  Of course, if you are in the BWCA, gathering with a group of Christians in their building is impossible. Should that happen, I suggest you gather with those on your trip and follow our worship pattern – read the Bible, sing, pray, give, and converse. You’ve had ample practice during the COVID-19 stay home orders.
   

• When home and back in town, make the gatherings with God’s people your priority. Because we choose to be away from our Christian community when we go Up North, we must guard our times together when we are in town. Late Saturday nights that lead to groggy Sunday mornings won’t work. Our children need to learn from their Sunday School teachers. We adults need the Bible training that comes in the education hour. The church must meet with God in worship. We cannot go multiple Sundays without meeting with God and remain unchanged. We need the encouragement, accountability, and support from those in our small groups. Be wise about the priority of worship and Christian community when you are in town this summer.

My mind is full of Up North memories from my childhood and with the family God has given to Brenda and me. By his grace, I hope to make many more, even this summer. You’re probably the same way. Whether Up North takes you to a cabin or a campsite; whether you find yourself in a RV, a boat, or tent; whether your preference is a lake, a river, a campsite, or the wilderness; my prayers go with you throughout the summer as you travel, and my heart will fill with joy and love when we worship and learn together on the Lord’s Day throughout the summer months.

Mike VerWay
Pastor for Preaching & Vision

Hard on Self, Gentle on Others

We all have a critical eye, and that’s not a bad thing. The ability to evaluate is a God-given trait intended to be used for God’s glory and for the good of people. For the Christian, his critical eye sanctified by the work of the Holy Spirit produces discernment. With discernment, the Christian can assess situations and deliver a godly response. When he exercises his critical eye apart from the Spirit’s control, his critical eye produces a display of criticism, where he is hard on others in his thoughts, word, and actions. Instead, Christians want their critical eye to be governed by gentleness, a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:23). When gentleness dominates a person’s critical eye, they will be hard on self and gentle on others.

It’s popular today to think, “If you want to be gentle to others, you must be gentle to yourself first.” That may sound good, but it is an idea that lacks any biblical support and does not align with the trend of Scripture that calls us to examine ourselves (1 Corinthians 11:28; 2 Corinthians 13:5).

Consider a few times when Christians should be hard on self and gentle on others.

When They Make Decisions You Wouldn’t Make

God has clearly communicated so much of what is his clear will for us in the Bible. For example, it is God’s will for a man to provide for his family. One man may provide housing for his family by renting a home while another provides housing by purchasing a house. You may not agree with his decision, and you have very good reasons why you don’t; however, your response to his decision should be gentle.

When your wife makes a purchase you wouldn’t make, when your husband takes a driving route different than the one you would chose, when your child likes an activity that seems silly to you, when your parents do things old people do, be gentle on others and hard on self.

When They Use Words You Wouldn’t Use

I’m not talking about immoral words, perverse words, impolite words, or deceptive words. I’m talking about words that bug you when you hear them because, well, they just do. They’re not sinful. They are just different. Instead of saying, “Do you have to say that?” Be gentle on others and hard on self.

When You Wouldn’t Do It That Way

Look, we all have our preferences, and we all operate within our comfort zone. If we were islands to ourselves, your SOP would be all that mattered. But by the design of God, we live in communities of the church and the family, and in a greater sense, society. Within those communities are people who think differently than you do about the same value or issue. Your way is probably a good way, maybe even a better way, but that does not mean their way is a bad way, though it might be an inferior way. You may want it done differently, and you have good reasons for it being done differently. Others will not share your opinion. When that happens, can you be gentle with them and hard on yourself?

When Sin Enters

Because of our sinful natures, our tendency is to quickly note when others sin and to quickly dismiss or justify our own sin. Gentle on others in their sin will produce mercy, forgiveness, and godliness. Gentle on self in our sin produces callousness and damages relationships with God and others.

If we are hard on others when we believe they sin, there’s a strong probability that we will fail to move them away from the sin they commit. The hardness toward them isn’t about their offense toward God but their offense toward us. On the other hand, if we are hard on self when we sin, we run to the cross for covering, develop a sensitivity to sin that assists us in our battle with temptation, and produces in us a patience for others who sin like we do only different.

Work through your relationships – you and your boss, you and wife, you and your kids, you and your parents, you and your siblings, you and your co-workers. Can you see space where the need exists for you to be gentle on others and hard on self?

As always I welcome your feedback and any suggestions you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.

Mike VerWay
Pastor for Preaching & Vision

Oh, No - the Sky Is Falling!

Like the rest of us in Minnesota, I woke Monday morning to the news of our impending weather for the coming day. In line with the predictions from Sunday night’s prognosticators, my Monday wakeup weatherman told me that we six-months-a-year shiverers were going to experience Mississippi sweltering in less than seven hours. The heat index would rise to nearly 100°. Oppressed by the heat and humidity, our Minnesota Nice would soon melt to Nordic Nasty. And there’s not a thing we can do about it.

The high temperature in Minneapolis / St. Paul Monday, June 29, 2020 was 82°. Most of the day the thermometer barely made it into the 70s.

Trained experts whose one job is predicting the weather missed it by this.................................................................................................much.

The weather forecasts came with the standard declarations – drink lots of water, don’t leave children or pets in hot vehicles, stay indoors, check in on the elderly and the ill, all great suggestions had there actually been a problem. Not wanting to miss out on the opportunity to scare people, our phones and smart speakers pinged the warnings of the pending heat advisory.

Alas, all for naught, but “pay attention to us on our next warning, if you please.” For those wanting to defend the prognosticators by noting weather is not predictable, you are correct, sir. Now, would you note the unpredictability of elections, pandemics, the economy, climate change, the benefits of getting an athletic scholarship or a degree from a prestigious university? “If,” “maybe,” “could,” and “should” are the sucker punch words they use to take your breath away.

Fear is a powerful motivator, maybe the most powerful motivator we can define. Fear is a lie that has been used by the devil and those without Christ to provoke humanity to all kinds of behaviors it was not previously inclined. It started in the Garden of Eden when Satan who is “more cunning than any” said to Eve, “You will not surely die. For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil” (Genesis 3:5-6).

Satan: Eve, if you don’t listen to me and take that yummy and beautiful piece of fruit, you won’t have all you could have, and you won’t be all you should be. You are missing out, Eve. Really, I’m serious.

Fear is a powerful control mechanism. Remember Abraham’s instruction to Sarah?

Abraham: Sarah, here’s how this is going to go down. If these Egyptians find out that you are my sister, they will kill me and take you as one of their wives. Don’t you see what will happen to us? You’ve got to say we’re brother and sister, not husband and wife. Would you do that, Sarah? For me? For us?

The last four months have highlighted the extreme power of fear to motivate and control. Fear drove many of the responses to the coronavirus. For example, government policy placed elderly people who contracted COVID-19 in senior care facilities where the disease spread to the already compromised with the result being 1129 of the 1435 deaths in Minnesota attributed to COVID-19 occurred in long-term care facilities. Fear made that policy. The examples extend to education, economics, and additional health guidelines.

Fear has driven government policy toward rioters and anarchists who have acted with brazen impunity in cities across our great country. For fear of losing political clout or of making matters worse, city and state executives allowed criminals to destroy, injure, and even kill. Fear of the mob’s response to their God-given responsibility to put down evil (Romans 13:3-4) controlled their inaction leaving them impotent.

Rarely do decisions and policies enacted from fear produce a desired outcome. Worse, for the Christian, living in fear conveys a lack of trust in the Creator who is sovereign over his creation. Knowing what we know about fear’s capacity to motivate and control, is it any wonder God tells us over and again not to fear man or creation but only to fear him? The Scripture texts seem endless. Consider two.

Psalm 118:6 The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?

and

Luke 12:6-7 Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of them is forgotten before God. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.

If we could audit our decision making and actions to determine where fear of man or the creation wrongly motivated or controlled us, I think we might be shocked to see the sheer volume of occasions. We are so impacted wrongly by fear, and it doesn’t have to be that way. Our Father who is in heaven invites us to make our anxiousness his problem (1 Peter 5:7), relieving us of fear that motivates and controls.

May God grant us the freedom that comes from fearing only him and never the creation or man.

I’ll catch you later. I need to go put on a sweater.

As always I welcome your feedback and any suggestions you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.

Mike VerWay
Pastor for Preaching & Vision