Her mom knew something was wrong. “I wonder what happened at school today?” the mother of three thought as she watched her 11-year-old trudge up the driveway toward the front door. Her little girl’s head hung low, and the usual smile after waving to her friends on the bus was nowhere to be found.
“Hi, honey! You’re just in time to help me make some cookies.”
“It’s not fair! Everybody else has their own phone except me. Today, Miley came to school with a phone. She showed it to everyone. The whole class was happy for her. Now I’m the only one without one. Why can’t I have a phone like everybody else?”
It is only a matter of time before the little girl gets a phone. I don’t have a problem with the inevitable. Smartphones are as much a part of our culture in 2023 as is indoor plumbing. And like indoor plumbing, both contain foul odors. When managed correctly, no one notices. Left unchecked the whole house stinks like you know what.
In a previous Musing I asked, “What training do children receive before their hands grasp their first phone?” Here is an incomplete directory of ideas and suggestions for training and managing smartphone use in our families.
Put off handing a smartphone to your child for as long as possible. Brenda and I ditched a landline long before it was common practice. No phone on the wall created a problem when we were away from home. What do the kids at home do if they need to make a call when both mom and dad are away or what do we do if we need to make contact with them when they are home alone? Our answer was to have a dedicated pay-as-you go phone available at home. They are mostly inexpensive and easy to manage but not always easy to find around the house if you know what I mean.
Parents must train and expect children to accept direction and correction in other areas of life before a smartphone becomes part of a child’s identity. If a child shows humility and a willingness to accept guidelines and improvement in other areas, he may be ready for a smartphone; however, if a child offers resistance to parental leadership, the child is not ready for the responsibility of a smartphone. To hand her one is to ask for problems. “Give me my phone!” will be your harsh reality.
Any member of our family has veto power over any social media friend or follow on another family member’s account. When our sons and daughters lived at home, each was accountable to the rest. For example, if one of the boys knew one of his sisters followed a boy on Instagram he thought was a problem, he could veto that friend, and the friend goes away on the app. The same holds for Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter, and the rest. TikTok wasn’t a thing, and boy am I glad it wasn’t. Just don’t with that app.
Do not allow any private passwords on any phone. All the family members in our home know the password to my phone, and each family member freely offers the password on his or her phone to the rest of the family.
Texts, DMs, and other forms of digital communication both received sent are open for mom and dad to read at any time. This is non-negotiable. As our children grew older, our reading of their texts decreased to the point that it was now virtually non-existent. However, when they first received their phones, we read their text communication daily and, often, repeatedly in the same day. And both we and they are glad that we did.
Smartphones need a bedtime. When a child goes to bed, the phone goes to bed too on the counter in the kitchen. It stays there until the next morning when the child may retrieve it after the morning routine is complete. We don’t want the last thing our children experience at night to be their phones, nor do we want the first thing they experience in the morning to be their phones. We want the last and first to be God and family. The importance of this guideline cannot be exaggerated.
Browser history cannot be deleted by the phone’s user. The history can only be deleted by another family member.
There are better options for worship than a Bible on a smartphone. In truth I’d suggest this be the practice for all of us. Our phones do not need to come into the church building with us. It is nearly impossible not to be distracted by a smartphone’s other uses when the phone is used during worship. Unless the phone is put in airplane mode so no push notifications can come through, it will be a distraction. Even then, how many of us are disciplined enough to not momentarily check a social media app, not send or read a text, or not go for a two-minute surf on the web? Frankly, from my perch at the pulpit, I witness this every Sunday. Do you really think your child is mature enough to worship with a smartphone at the ready? Do you really think your child can keep his phone in his pocket and engage in fellowship with other believers before and after worship? I see no reason for smartphones when we gather to worship. If you have one, I am willing to be corrected.
Make use of an app like Bark. These apps monitor usage and allow parents to set limits on children’s phones. We learn to ride a bike with training wheels. Learning to use a smartphone with restraints on time and content is a wise move.
Before giving your child a smartphone or if you’ve already given your child a smartphone, read together 12 Ways Your Phone Is Changing You or The Tech-Wise Family. Knowledge is a valuable tool and a necessary ally when entering uncharted waters. That you have had a smartphone in your possession for years is not sufficient expertise in the guiding of your children in the responsibility and dangers in possessing a smartphone. One last resource is Irreversible Damage. The author is not a Christian, and the book is not exclusively about smartphones, but the research provides the inescapable connection between smartphone use and the transgender craze seducing young girls. If you hand your child a smartphone, you must know the risks.
BONUS: If your children already have a phone of their own, consider sitting down with them and going over the suggestions I've offered. Teach them the responsibility that comes with owning a smartphone and how best to avoid the inevitable dangers.
Others will have additional ideas that help control an amazing and wonderful device that God has made possible for us to enjoy. If we are to do all to the glory of God, including using a smartphone, then our phones must be our servants and never our masters. Guidelines help maintain a God honoring relationship between a user and his phone.
As always, thanks for reading, and I welcome your feedback and any suggestions you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.