I’ve never been to a family reunion. If I passed them on the street, I would not recognize anyone from the Jackson clan. As a child, I interacted little with Tom VerWay’s family. His parents were dead, many of his siblings lived out-of-state, and his nieces and nephews were much older than I. We simply were not around them very much. I did spend a lot of time with my mom’s family, including my cousins. But that was a long time ago. The last time I saw or spoke to a cousin on my mom’s side was five years ago at her funeral. My cousins are scattered around the country with only a few living in the Chicago area. It’s not that we are estranged; it’s just that we aren’t close.
Last weekend, Brenda and I along with our four children, their spouses, fiancée and our grandson (MJ) spent two wonderful days together celebrating MJ’s first birthday. Those 48 hours were a gift from God to Brenda and me. His grace was on full display, and we praise him for the family he has given to us.
We combined the little man’s birthday celebration with a Christmas bash. We laughed, exchanged gifts, spoiled MJ, received hugs and kisses, worshipped together on the Lord’s Day, and genuinely enjoyed each other. There was no fighting, no sniping, no jealousy, no complaining, no expressions of anger, and no distancing of any one person from another, pretty amazing consider there were 10 sinful, selfish people in a small space. Like I said, God’s grace was on full display. It’s not simply that we are physically related; it’s that we are close.
While many families experience the happiness of family gatherings, many others do not, like the man who recently told me he hasn’t spoken to his older sibling in seven years. Years of pain and conflict have left many families separated by more than state lines. Frankly, some prefer it that way. Being together is little more than an opportunity for spontaneous combustion. It’s easier and less emotional to stay away than it is to be together. Can those situations be resolved? They can, but that is a subject for another time.
I am not naïve to think what I have could not be destroyed in a moment, such is the nature of the flesh and sin. About the closeness of my children, I’ve been asked, “What’s the formula?” My answer, "I don’t know." If required, could we duplicate the outcome? I’m not sure. As I look back and as Brenda and I reminisce, I can point to some critical components.
Our move to Minnesota contributed to our family’s closeness. We did not know anyone in the state of Minnesota when we left Michigan twenty years ago. Our children’s friends were each other. We were concerned when we left Michigan where our children each had dozens of friends. We wondered how they would fare in a place where they knew no one. Our last Sunday in Michigan, we received great counsel from parents of youth group teens who told us how the move had the potential to draw us close as a family if we would see the opportunity for developing relationships over the loss of relationships.
We had no great epiphany that led to homeschooling our children. In fact, upon arrival in Minnesota, we were settled that homeschooling was not what we wanted, but that’s what happened. I am convinced Brenda’s daily influence in their lives as she instructed, managed, and modeled before them promoted in them a growing love for each other.
Practically, I think the pattern of resolving conflict biblically played a significant role in their developing relationships. Like other empty nest parents, Brenda and I have heard stories from our sons and daughters that we had no idea happened when they first occurred. When they tell the stories, the kids laugh. Brenda and I look at each other with puzzled expressions. “How did that happen in our house…how did we not know about that…how did that not cause a major issue?”
Our kids are PK’s but being a PK does nothing to absolve sin and diminish the sin nature. When we sinned against each other, we tried to apply the teaching of Jesus and his apostles to address transgressions. We taught and modeled accepting responsibility and expressing humility both to God and to your sibling. The regular expression in prayer to God and in communication with a brother or sister was, “I was wrong. Will you forgive me?”
When one complained to their mom or me about the behavior of another, we sent them back regularly in the spirit of Matthew 18 with the instruction, “Can you take care of your problem on your own?” Often, they could not and needed parental assistance, but, in time, they learned to address their own problems in a way that honored our Lord, honored each other, and promoted family harmony.
Practically, I believe, without hesitation, corporate prayer promoted the closeness we now enjoy. Our minivans were places of regular family prayer. With some exceptions, the practice was prayer before jumping out of the van for Sunday School, youth activities, sports practices, music lessons, going to a friend’s house, and most everything else. Following conflict between siblings, with some exceptions, the practice was prayer between the sisters and brothers where each heard the other confess sin and pray for God’s aid to love others and not self. I am convinced people who pray together are closer. It’s that simple, and that includes brothers and sisters.
One final thought, I am convinced the shared ministry and love for the Lord and for the local church contributed to their closeness as children and to their ongoing closeness as adults. They love Jesus and they love the church for whom Jesus died. What binds them together now, maybe more than before, is what they share in Christ.
As young adults, I think they all are committed to keeping what they have. I fervently pray they are. I observe as they cover in love. I smile as they share with each other what they have. I am hopeful as they set aside personal preferences for the advantage of another. If they will continue to love the same Jesus, I have every expectation the Holy Spirit will continue to mesh their individual spirits with each other.
I know some will read this and come away frustrated. I am sorry for that. I have no intention to add to your grief. I can offer hope if your children are distant and have little interest in being together. Our Lord is an expert at making the bad good. His working may take longer than you desire (see Joseph and his brothers), but he is capable of bringing about the change that will promote family closeness. My suggestion for you is to pray toward that end, and when you are together with any combination of your children, find occasion to pray with each other and for each other.
As always, I welcome your feedback and any suggestions you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.
To read past Lunchtime Musings, follow me at medium.com/@mikeverway
Mike VerWay
Pastor for Preaching & Vision