We are best friends and, I think, soul mates, but neither is my term of choice to describe my relationship to Brenda, my wife of nearly 33 years.
My earliest best friend was Kevin. He lived across the street from me in suburban Chicago. I have no real memory of him beyond his name. We went to kindergarten together, and then my family moved to another house. So long, Kevin. Nice knowing you. Since then, there have been a few others who took his place.
In today’s world it’s all the rage to find your soulmate, that one singular person who does it for you. I get it. It’s a hip term. It sounds exclusive and suggests a special someone, but it doesn’t work for me. According to lore, “What’s a soulmate?… It’s one person who knew you, accepted you and believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else would.” – Dawson’s Creek. That describes my grandmother more than my wife.
There are more ways to define a soulmate, “It feels like we shared a previous life together” or “You both share core values that you help each other to achieve.” The first is a hard nope, and the second is what I used to experience with my high school and college teammates, in some ways like when Jonathan’s soul was knit to David’s (1 Samuel 18:1). I need something more than soulmate to describe my relationship with Brenda. It’s here I turn to the poetry of Solomon.
In the poetical lines of the Song of Solomon, commentators have suggested a range of meanings from an allegory about the relationship of Jesus with his bride, the church, to an R-rated manual on the private moments shared by a husband and a wife. Both miss the point. The way to read the Song of Solomon is as a celebration of human love, and we need more celebration of love in our marriages. That is why my first and primary term to describe my relationship with Brenda is not best friends or soulmates.
My first and primary term is lover, a term reserved for and used exclusively between a wife and her husband.
While I am glad to hear spouses identify themselves as BFFs and soulmates, I think our marriages are strengthened when we identify as lovers and celebrate the human love we enjoy in God’s grace.
Lovers find satisfaction in each other, “Your love is more delightful than wine” (Song 1:2).
Lovers see what’s amazing in each other, “No wonder the young women love you!” (Song 1:3).
Lovers long to be near each other, “Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday” (Song 1:7).
Lovers feel for each other in a way that impedes normal activity, “I am faint with love” (Song 2:5).
Lovers pursue each other, “When I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go” (Song 3:4).
Lovers say loving words to each other, “How beautiful you are and how pleasing, my love, with your delights!” (Song 7:6).
Lovers give to each other their love – freely, intentionally, passionately, eagerly, and expectantly, “Let us go early to the vineyards…there I will give you my love” (Song 7:12).
Would you give this some thought? Is he your lover? Is she yours? Best friends are great in middle school, and soulmates make for holiday Hallmark viewing, but lovers build strong marriages, celebrate the beauty and gift of human love, create durable families, contribute to the health of local churches, stabilize communities, and bring God glory in demonstration of his amazing plan.
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed (Genesis 2:24-25).
As always, I welcome your feedback and any suggestions you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.
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Mike VerWay
Pastor for Preaching & Vision